Just a few days ago, I wrote my #Pride post (check it out here) where I went into detail about some accomplishments I’m proud of this year. For Blogmas Day 9, I only thought it fair to tell everyone about a few tough aspects of this year – what I’ve told myself to do is to not legitimize these tough parts with assurances and just tell you how I felt about them when I was going through them, not after. Then, at the end, I’ll do a brief reflection. After all, we do make a mistake and immediately have a calm mentality and not feel emotions…that’s just not realistic at all. Let’s dive in! Boy, get ready for an uncensored emotional roller-coaster.
- I participated in classes and activities that I think was a waste of my college experience. I only have four years of my college life. Now I only have 2 and 3/4. Sometimes, I just want to squeeze only the activities and make only the friends I think will make me happier. Well, I definitely made some wrong turns – especially a computer science I took this quarter. It was scarring to do something I had zero interest in for an entire quarter, perhaps wasting 12 hours a weeks, nervous about simply passing the class. My life drained out of me. Whereas during freshman year, I only took classes I was interested in, now I had to force myself to study for a class that 100% bored the hell out of me. Great.
- I didn’t just have lonely moments, I had confusing lonely moments. After having a thing with someone over the summer, I embraced the single life happily at the start of the school year…until it got a little lonely, of course. But I wasn’t just moping around wanting a boyfriend like a normal person who is lonely…I slowly realized I preferred my single life and the freedom and efficiency that came along with that. Especially after seeing friends of mine in very unromantic, stressful relationship situations, I wasn’t really invested in or preferring to be with a companion anymore – that actually scared me more, made me feel isolated from my own emotions. It’s like, oh I need someone, nope I don’t, I love being with friends and being alone. Ah, no, friends aren’t enough, I can date anyone. Nope scratch that, obviously I don’t like anyone enough to date them. I’d rather be alone. Uh uh, too lonely to be alone. Etc. I guess loneliness is a complicated emotion for everyone.
- I compare myself to people whenever I feel down. I’ve had this habit in high school, and honestly I’ve gotten better, but sometimes the ol’ habit just kicks me in the gut. Sometimes, I’ve done something really good or something that really exceeded my expectations, but as soon as I know someone else did it slightly marginally better, that success instantly becomes failure. And I don’t try to use that emotion to improve myself or tell myself in a cheery voice accompanied by a fist swing, “see, now you know to just work harder next time!” I just sulk there, feeling that every single person is better than me now that the one person did that one thing better. Very illogical, but a very real emotion as well.
- I eat too much when I’m stressed. It’s not severe, more just like noticing that I eat a lot of sweets or pasta or ramen when I’m more stressed. I ignore vegetable options or straight up chug down non-sugary drinks, forgetting to drink water during meals. I think my metabolism has surged since I lost 15 pounds back in high school, so I didn’t gain that much weight, but it’s really not healthy to mistreat my body like that. Every time I choose cake instead of vegetable and chicken soup, or Lucky Charms instead of an apple, I regret the decision. Of course, it’s natural to crave unhealthy things when you are under emotional stress, but sometimes it decreases your productivity as well as your long-term mood.